For the past little while, I’ve been writing some tips for men on Twitter. Some jokey, others totally serious. Men and women have responded well to these tips so I thought I’d share them here. I’ll add to the list as they populate on my Twitter feed.
WILL’S MAN TIP 1. Women love compliments, so be sure to let one know if she’s responsible for your boner.
WILL’S MAN TIP 2. A tucked in t-tshirt says, “Sorry lady, I have no idea what to do with your vagina.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 3. Oh, you like that girl? Then stop commenting on her Facebook page like a dickless teenager.
WILL’S MAN TIP 4. Hey jackass, take off that stupid hat.
WILL’S MAN TIP 5. If you can’t make a woman climax to ‘Don’t Fall In Love With a Dreamer’ by Kenny Rogers & Kim Carnes, you’re not a man.
WILL’S MAN TIP 6. Unless you’re an extra in a gladiator movie or some goofy Greek slimeball, don’t wear sandals.
WILL’S MAN TIP 7. Side-boob is not the new cleavage. Never stuff a twenty into a chick’s armpit and tell her to bring you a scotch.
WILL’S MAN TIP 8. If your girlfriend is driving your car while you ride shotgun, she better be driving you to the hospital.
WILL’S MAN TIP 9. (Per WILL’S MAN TIP 7) There’s nothing wrong with stuffing a twenty into a chick’s cleavage and telling her to bring you a scotch.
WILL’S MAN TIP 10. Pay for dinner, you piece of shit.
WILL’S MAN TIP 11. Ten years ago I bought myself a Rolex. Ten years later it still goes with everything. Ditch the calculator watch, hipster.
WILL’S MAN TIP 12. Of course you should go to Vegas this weekend!
WILL’S MAN TIP 13. If your girlfriend asks you to do a cleanse with her, a long dead stare is the appropriate response.
WILL’S MAN TIP 14. Skinny tie, skinny jeans, skinny dong.
WILL’S MAN TIP 15. If your male flight attendant has a problem with you calling him “Stewardess” then that’s his problem.
WILL’S MAN TIP 16. Do that silly girl a favor and tell her to shut up about her imaginary music career.
WILL’S MAN TIP 17. Girls wear jeans with all sorts of wacky crap embroidered all over the ass and thighs, guys have a penis. Got it?
WILL’S MAN TIP 18. Try on a deep, hearty, obnoxious laugh. Try it on. Right now. Do it. See? That’s your new laugh.
WILL’S MAN TIP 19. Don’t text that douchebag chick. Dude, forget about that chick.
WILL’S MAN TIP 20. Always have a “Shut up.” in the chamber and a clip full of “I thought I told you to shut up.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 21. Want that obnoxious bimbo to stop acting like she’s famous? Stop acting like a fan.
WILL’S MAN TIP 22. Unless you’re a beginner in karate or actor/comedian Russell Brand, there’s no reason for you to wear a white belt.
WILL’S MAN TIP 23. Stop telling that boring story about the time you beat up a guy. Time to beat up a new guy.
WILL’S MAN TIP 24. Don’t ask her where she wants to eat. Actually, tell her it’s none of her business where she wants to eat.
WILL’S MAN TIP 25. Go down on chicks.
WILL’S MAN TIP 26. It’s okay to date a vegetarian so long as she’s okay with you bragging about all the stupid loser animals in your shit.
WILL’S MAN TIP 27. If a female friend introduces you to her girlfriends as “harmless,” grab one of them by the breasts and kiss her. Hard.
WILL’S MAN TIP 28. Playing beer pong in your thirties is about as cool as starting a band in your thirties.
WILL’S MAN TIP 29. Taking a female that you haven’t had sex with on vacation is an expensive way to continue not having sex with her.
WILL’S MAN TIP 30. Only two kinds of guys have mustaches: total badasses and total pussies. That’s it.
WILL’S MAN TIP 31. Scotch.
WILL’S MAN TIP 32. Don’t text, “Or not.” to someone if they don’t text you back right away. Chicks do that.
WILL’S MAN TIP 33. Any professional fighter that loses a professional fight can still kick your ass so stop talking.
WILL’S MAN TIP 34. No more middle finger while driving away and much more middle finger while walking towards.
WILL’S MAN TIP 35. Ordering nachos on a first date tells her, “I took you to a restaurant that serves nachos on our first date.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 36. With regard to MAN TIP 35, I’m not saying that ordering nachos on a first date is bad. Some chicks are only worth nachos.
WILL’S MAN TIP 37. With regard to MAN TIP 36, clearly some chicks are worth way more than nachos. You might want to ditch the nacho chick.
WILL’S MAN TIP 38. With regard to MAN TIP 37, but then maybe not. Who the fuck are you? Maybe chicks only see you as a nacho dude.
WILL’S MAN TIP 39. With regard to MAN TIPS 35/36/37/38, nachos are the only true barometer for gauging your romantic interest in a woman.
WILL’S MAN TIP 40. Always open the door for a woman. And if she doesn’t thank you, calmly say, “Nobody loves you and you will die alone.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 41. Keep a police-issue flashlight baton in your car. It shines bright and it can end any argument with a fellow motorist.
WILL’S MAN TIP 42. Like stop y’know saying, “like” and “y’know.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 43. Women don’t want to see your nerdy gadgets, they want to see your big dick.
WILL’S MAN TIP 44. The number of weddings you attend in one year is equal to the number of times you are permitted to dance in one year.
WILL’S MAN TIP 45. If you text a chick at 3am, don’t write, “You’re the bee’s knees!” because the dude laying next to her will laugh at you.
WILL’S MAN TIP 46. If you have more than three close female friends, you’re a female.
WILL’S MAN TIP 47. Get naked the minute you come home from work. It’s your right.
WILL’S MAN TIP 48. A woman will call you “buddy” even if you’re not her buddy so that you understand you’ll never be more than a buddy.
WILL’S MAN TIP 49. Instead of spending money on another tattoo, you should buy a punch to your stupid face, you fucking clown.
WILL’S MAN TIP 50. When having your picture taken with a female, don’t point and make the, “I banged this chick” face. You didn’t bang her.
WILL’S MAN TIP 51. Hey, guy. Updating your Facebook relationship status? Don’t forget to also update your sex to “Female.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 52. When you’re holding some flowers and a stranger says, “For me?” the correct response is, “Shut up right now, asshole.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 53. Nothing says, “Hi, I suck in every way.” like wearing a t-shirt with skulls all over it and camouflage cargo shorts.
WILL’S MAN TIP 54. A woman knows that tensing your muscles as she touches your arm means you want to have sex with her. Also, never do that.
WILL’S MAN TIP 55. Don’t order chocolate milk on a date and/or leave a poop in your date’s toilet the morning after (happened to a friend).
WILL’S MAN TIP 56. Have a drink for every one of your grey pubes. You’ve earned it, sir.
WILL’S MAN TIP 57. Take off that toy watch and put on a watch.
WILL’S MAN TIP 58. The path of least resistance is usually for total pussies.
WILL’S MAN TIP 59. If you have an ear piercing wide enough to stick a dick through it, someone should stick their dick through it.
WILL’S MAN TIP 60. If a girl takes six months to call you back, it means she had a relationship that lasted six months. Or she’s an asshole.
WILL’S MAN TIP 61. If you have a big bushy hipster beard but you shave your balls, you’re not keeping it real.
WILL’S MAN TIP 62. That’s an adorable scooter you got there, sweetheart.
WILL’S MAN TIP 63. Sports.
WILL’S MAN TIP 64. Don’t open Facebook Chat, then leave the room or go to work or wherever. Chicks do that. Also, don’t open Facebook Chat.
WILL’S MAN TIP 65. If you don’t need business cards but still carry them, have the word “dipshit” under your name because you are a dipshit.
WILL’S MAN TIP 66. If your girlfriend or wife is constantly giving you high fives and fist bumps, it means she’s cheating on you.
WILL’S MAN TIP 67. If someone directs the term, “epic fail” towards you, a good thing to do would be to slap that moron as hard as you can.
WILL’S MAN TIP 68. Here’s a fun thing you can say to someone who still has a faux-hawk: “Hey shithead, nice faux-hawk.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 69. If you can time it right, the best way to disagree with someone is to fart really loud while they’re talking.
WILL’S MAN TIP 70. When you see a grown man wearing a baseball cap cocked to the side, straighten it for him and give his cheek a pinch.
WILL’S MAN TIP 71. Feel like taking a break from chicks? Rock a ponytail.
WILL’S MAN TIP 72. Never hold a gun with one hand while washing your dick with the other. Metaphorically speaking.
WILL’S MAN TIP 73. Don’t use the word “organic” to describe anything other than food.
WILL’S MAN TIP 74. Don’t talk about organic food.
WILL’S MAN TIP 75. (Sung to the tune of “Deck the Halls”) Tis the season to wear a scarf and not during summer obviously you pussy hipster.
WILL’S MAN TIP 76. A romantic thing to do is to kiss your date goodnight at her door and remove all your clothes before walking to your car.
WILL’S MAN TIP 77. Furnish your home with lots of honest sturdy wood. And be like that wood. And hit people with it if they fuck with you.
WILL’S MAN TIP 78. Nothing says, “Stay away, ladies. I haven’t figured my shit out yet.” like wearing sneakers with a suit.
WILL’S MAN TIP 79. When a hot chick gives you that stupid, “I’m really just a nerd” line, take it at face value and give her a wedgie.
WILL’S MAN TIP 80. Playfully referring to a female friend as “dude” means that you want to sleep with her… and she knows this.
WILL’S MAN TIP 81. If you’re going to argue, employ the tone and volume of Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men.
WILL’S MAN TIP 82. When on a date, keep your fly down. If she tells you your fly is down, ask why she’s staring at your dong. Then kiss her.
WILL’S MAN TIP 83. Next time you order a soy latte, know that soy spikes estrogen in men, making your man boobs grow and man dick shrink.
WILL’S MAN TIP 84. Hunters eat what they want from their fresh kill. Foragers get diarrhea from rotten meat. Metaphorically speaking.
WILL’S MAN TIP 85. Don’t shower with fruit scented soap because it will make your dink, nuts and bumhole smell like fruit. Obviously.
WILL’S MAN TIP 86. If you take a chick to see standup comedy and she talks during the show, leave and never speak to her again. She’s awful.
WILL’S MAN TIP 87. If you argue with an asshole, be sure to put yourself in their shoes. It’s more humiliating when you walk all over them.
WILL’S MAN TIP 88. Pick an identity, athletic hipster. You’re a walking oxymoron, living at least half a lie.
WILL’S MAN TIP 89. Unless you’re on the payroll, you’re not allowed to be upset when your team loses.
WILL’S MAN TIP 90. Never take a picture of your face really close to a vagina and text it to your girlfriend. Chicks have no sense of humor.
WILL’S MAN TIP 91. Women with more gay male friends than straight female friends are crazy and sad so don’t date them.
WILL’S MAN TIP 92. If your girlfriend won’t have her picture taken with you, she’s either married or a hooker.
WILL’S MAN TIP 93. Your facial hair CAN NOT be longer than your head hair.
WILL’S MAN TIP 94. Some other dude may soon be dating the chick you’re dating now. Let that free you the next time she’s being a dumb bitch.
WILL’S MAN TIP 95. Call your mom.
WILL’S MAN TIP 96. Be tall. That way your lady can wear her favorite slutty heels around you. Is that too much for her to ask? No, it’s not.
WILL’S MAN TIP 97. She didn’t text you back because you texted “lol” or “omg” or “fml” or some other bitch shit like that.
WILL’S MAN TIP 98. A sexy thing to do when in bed with a lady is to reach for a condom, “accidentally” letting a candle badly burn your arm.
WILL’S MAN TIP 99. If you’re better with her, treat her better. If you’re better without her, forget her.
WILL’S MAN TIP 100. God left your balls exposed in a skin pouch so that you’d be forced to protect them and readily able to present them.
WILL’S MAN TIP 101. Women say it’s okay for a man to cry in front of them because women say a lot of things.
WILL’S MAN TIP 102. You are allowed three steps indoors before you are required to take off your sunglasses.
WILL’S MAN TIP 103. Walk away from regret the way an action star walks away from an explosion.
WILL’S MAN TIP 104. A funny thing to do when your girlfriend texts you is to text back, “STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!” She’ll think it’s so funny.
WILL’S MAN TIP 105. “I love my life!” is a healthy personal affirmation and expression of gratitude, not a Facebook status update.
WILL’S MAN TIP 106. Goofy bimbos that call their friends “wifey” are goofy bimbos so stay away from them.
WILL’S MAN TIP 107. Lift heavy shit up for people.
WILL’S MAN TIP 108. Give yourself fifty punches to the face for each time you’ve used the term “Amazeballs.” One hundred for “Awesomesauce.”
WILL’S MAN TIP 109. Nothing says, “I’m a total pussy and I like having a shitty time.” like dating a feminist.
WILL’S MAN TIP 110. Don’t take man tips from some actor. Unless it’s me. Or just a few other guys.
WILL’S MAN TIP 111. If you take a picture of your pud and text it to a girl, text it to some guys too and also everyone you know. Idiot.
WILL’S MAN TIP 112. Sacrifice an ox every now and again.
WILL’S MAN TIP 113. If you date an actress, make sure she’s good at acting or you’ll have to sit through a bunch of awful crap all the time.
WILL’S MAN TIP 114. If you’re one of those rockabilly guys and you’re over twenty five and/or it’s not 1958, cut it out.
WILL’S MAN TIP 115. How to pick up women from your car: Lower window, blast ‘Hello’ by Lionel Richie, maintain eye contact, say nothing.
WILL’S MAN TIP 116. Be the ball.
WILL’S MAN TIP 117. On dates, don’t bore women with details of your life that they can easily find online. Like, everything.
WILL’S MAN TIP 118. A funny thing to do after having sex with a lady for the first time is to cough up some fake blood and pretend to cry.
WILL’S MAN TIP 119. If you want to fight a guy but don’t want to take the first shot, lovingly sing ‘Just a Kiss’ by Lady Antebellum to him.
WILL’S MAN TIP 120. If you find more than two or three condoms tangled in your girlfriend’s hair, it’s time to have a chat with her.
WILL’S MAN TIP 121. No daytime dates. If a day date is suggested, tell her you don’t drink coffee before 10pm and only eat lunch with dudes.
WILL’S MAN TIP 122. Shave like Bill Duke in Predator.
WILL’S MAN TIP 123. Get some fur underwear. The Vikings were mighty because their good stuff stayed warm and cozy while murdering everybody.
WILL’S MAN TIP 124. If your date texts during dinner, order soup and put her phone into the soup then calmly explain that it’s for the best.
WILL’S MAN TIP 125. Your home emergency kit should include: potable water, one thousand protein bars, a sword. Anything above that is gravy.